The mind is paradoxical but not illogical, but it has its own logic and ways of working. Interestingly, and therein lies the paradox, she usually move in the opposite direction to what we are used to seeing, so many times we do not usually understand what we occurs. The only thing you need to understand it is to understand the language in which you work.
What we call selfishness, contrary to what one might think, not on the person has (not only appears to) feeling of self-worth, which is deeply well in his own being, but it is precisely in people looking to others to fill (though always is them enough) your own child emotional deprivation.
These, usually people much given to others, sacrificed (usually in excess) but not usually really knows how to love (simply because they do not love themselves) because they feel a hunger for affection so extreme that blinds them, not make them see beyond that gap, and therefore can not see others as they are, let alone truly love them …
… So often they idealize who are ahead quickly, anyone who believe that they can provide the affection they so desperately looking walk; and systematically relegating sacrifice their own desires and interests (and often, to the transferable basic rights as human beings) to such person “loved” playing so their eyes become worthy of love …
… But it is very difficult to love who walks groveling and begging for our love at all costs. Through this procedure, conditioned by tremendous emotional need, every one of those people just will attract (again and again) to manipulative and narcissistic drivers, who will find in this beggar, in that being that so little love, a very appropriate victim fill in turn their own shortcomings and evil, desire for control and power over others …
… And that is certainly the person handling, controlling, also it has its emotional deprivation nor really loves herself though outwardly it may seem otherwise (victim and executioner are in this case both sides of the coin, looking fulfill the same emotional failure by seemingly different strategies) because it only seeks control in the other as a substitute for self-love and self-esteem that is not provided, so they tend to anger both manipulative person when their plans fall apart and lose power or influence over their victims.
In such a situation, hopefully, break the parasitic relationship (not only can occur in a relationship, it can also be family or friends, even working) causing the person you love or affection begged, disappointment, confusion and even depression, these experiences will act as a “rebound effect”, which will make you more depressed, hungry and needed than ever, do much damage, mental suffering tremendously with stories (and most likely culpability) will be repeated herself in those moments when you feel so abandoned; yes, it is really abandoned, but above all of herself, …
… And soon will seek distractions, evasions, in others, perhaps in another (very possibly harmful) perhaps in groups of “friends” who do not really consider or judge it without understanding it, but who “ideal ratio” at least feels distracted him, and can “stop thinking” for a while; more solitude in these companies may be felt more deeply than being alone with herself.
No blame, each person has his own wounds, many of them arising in childhood, our minds, which at that time did not have the experience or the consciousness to understand what was really going on, created our ego and inner judge a not flexible but useful defense in situations where we feel lack of affection or love from our parents or relatives of the most important in our life recently opened people. Perhaps then, our limited vital baggage concluded that we should “make merit” to qualify for the love of others, simply because we did not deserve to exist.
Changing the past is impossible, but we understand why resign or as something that will determine our whole life without remedy. We must realize that realignment who is calling attention and love when we act in the manner referred to above (begging, sacrificing or unconsciously all the time …) is our child or wounded inner child, claiming it did not then, it has frozen the lack and need, hidden in us over the years but not inactive.
My purpose is to show that this lack of affection can not fill it first externally, rather than reach out to others with such unconscious desires and needs, we need to carry out a work or personal work. The way to overcome this vicious circle not It is (by far our ego whispers to us) in forgetting ourselves to give ourselves to others … on blind idealization of others (which only indicates how much I deny myself and the low esteem that I have me) or having to make everything “perfect” in the eyes of others, but in humility, understanding of myself and compassion.
Humility: I understand I have gifts and abilities that make me engage in certain activities better than others, but there are things that go beyond me and that if I improve them, may never achieve them as well as it makes other people, but also I understand it’s only my insatiable ego that requires me to irrationally obviously, have to be perfect at everything.
Understanding myself: I can be aware of what happens in me, what I tell myself in those moments when I feel abandoned, in which I fear, in loneliness feels so deeply, I understand they are emotions, thoughts, feelings, but neither am I, are in me, but no longer identify with my true self, I am more than my mind. At last I saw my emotions arise as healing tools, not as internal enemies of the need to escape or avoid. Live my emotions fully, let them flow into me so comfortable as those that cause me discomfort and therefore avoid unconsciousness used in the past is just that avoidance and / or flight which created my suffering, which made me disconnect myself.
Compassion: There are moments of suffering in me, are due to the way they learned to take things simply because my life story made me draw these conclusions from what happens, I understand and act with me as you would to someone who suffers, supporting without blame, without pointing, without laughing their emotional pain or wanting or having to give “magical solutions” but accompanying him being present when needed.
It is logical that at first might think that forgiving ourselves to be not change anything, that things will continue the same way but worse, because we think that now “unchecked” without someone (ego) that controls as a traffic warden what happens inside us. But, as I said at the beginning of this article, the mind is paradoxical, and as I have been discussing, is our inner child or the child that is hurt and now requires our unconditional love, not the guidance of a tyrannical ego.
Life crises, periods of suffering, are far less tasteful dish, no one wants, but is curiously like the only thing that can make us transcend, become aware of this and move forward in our inner development. They are stages if we can seize the opportunities of inner growth that are, have the ability to make us much good, helping us to heal many wounds that have remained open for so many years within us.
If instead we do not realize this, because we will remain slaves to our thought patterns and most likely they will make us come back to walk (as if a curse it were) by the life situations of manipulation, suffering, neglect and solitude. Interestingly life we lovingly repeat the lessons as often as need, until you understand that we have taken full awareness of what we needed to realize.